hey matt l only  just found this and i had to post! 

Today i am struggling so much, i dont think many people will understand as ive been shut out alot , yes we hadnt been together for a couple of year but your death has affected me so much more than any one will know, things wernt always great and il not post about that or about circumstances but we did have some good memories i spent 8 yr of my life with you and knew u inside and out prob more than most families members, you were my first proper love and you gave me two beautiful children and i did love you so so much, i read a letter today that you sent to me whilst in prison although i never recieved it and you was asking for me to help you its great that you still thought of me, however i really bloody wish i could have helped, could have known what was going off u know i would have tried to help u if i could have no one deserves what happened to you, i try to relive the memories the times we spent in scarbrough it was our place and i go there often and leave a message in the sand for u, i feel close to you there, we had so many adventures together and those i will never forget, youd be so proud of your kids, were in regular contact with casey which i know u would be smiling down at, casey is so much like you in her manorisms, the faces she pulls etc, maddie and dexter are doing really well, maddie is finding your death extremly difficult and still is all this time after she was a daddys girl and that will never change she doesnt talk to me about u much i think she knows it upsets me but she does talk to my mum about u which helps her mum n paul miss you too and we talk about you quite abit, we were today, you were like a son to them and i know u appriciated everything they did for you, im so sorry that i couldnt come and say goodbye to you i would have drove to the hospital no matter what time it was and im sorry that we didnt do anything for the funeral and that your ashes wernt scattered where u wanted them to be, maddie hates that your so far away and she cant see u when she needs to,i know your at peace now and i know u are with us everyday, i could sit here n talk for ages but im finding it hard, ive done nothing but cry today wishing how things were different, wishing i had something of yours even just a top to make me feel closer to you but i have memories and they can never be taken away, i love you so bloody much, the children know how much you love them, in the future theyl need to know the truth but theyl always know u thought the world of them both, i hope your in a happy place now and im really sorry i couldnt do more, i think about you everyday and that will continue as youl always be in my heart now and forever love u lots and lots like jelly tots, talk soon xxxxxx